


Cheek Connoisseurs™

by CreativeSweets



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Butts, Crack, LITERALLY, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-14
Updated: 2018-05-14
Packaged: 2019-05-06 21:38:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14656740
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CreativeSweets/pseuds/CreativeSweets
Summary: Yuuri's shyness to meet other people's eyes at the annual Pool Party winds up with him and Phichit holding a Best Ranked Butt Contest each year.They call them:The Cheek Connoisseurs™These are their stories*.DUN DUN*said for dramatic effect; there is only one





	Cheek Connoisseurs™

**Author's Note:**

> This is all thanks to other people on the LLYBB discord server: most ideas came from there (I wasn't even in on this convo, seriously) and no one was stepping up to write this, so here we are (step your game up).  
> I have _so many_ WIPs but this would have just been buried and it deserved to see the light of day.  
>  insert the BIGGEST suspension of disbelief here
> 
> thank and please enjoy   
> [(x)](https://corgispacesiren.tumblr.com/)

The best part of summer  _ has  _ to be the annual pool party that Phichit dragged Yuuri to. Not that Yuuri will  _ ever  _ admit it to Phichit. Because he’d never live it down after how big of a fuss he threw that first year. 

But Yuuri had to admit, there were some very obvious... _ perks _ ...to coming. 

Really, it all started that first year. Yuuri, being too shy to actually  _ look  _ at anyone, spent the large majority of the time staring at the feet of everyone who came. When Phichit would mention someone that Yuuri didn’t know, he’d ask him to describe his swimsuit/feet so Yuuri would know.

Now—after four years of this—it’s  _ evolved. _

Now—after stuttering through explanations of people’s feet and swimsuits the first year—they outright rate everyone’s butts.

There’s even a dedicated forum everyone checks afterwards to see what the High and Mighty Phichit and Yuuri Team thought of their well-sculpted backsides. (Minami was proud to be the #1 moderator and scorekeeper—a job he took  _ deathly  _ serious).

It became such a big event after that. People would wear swimsuits that  _ accented  _ their beautiful booties in attempts to garner favor with the two Cheek Connoisseurs™. It became a requirement to wear a swimming cap and sunglasses to protect the identities. After the second year of this, people started writing numbers on their low backs for Easy Identification Purposes.

(They had to ban #69 after one year where half the people showed up with it scrawled on them).

✩✩✩

This year was starting out quieter than normal, though that probably could be attributed to the weather being more on the cloudy, dismal side than normal. Not that that stopped anyone from coming and parading their derrières around.

Yuuri sipped on his pina colada and pushed his sunglasses further up his nose. So far he was Not Impressed with the selection. He shot a withering look towards Phichit, who, having no shame, would always have his sunglasses pushed back on top of his head. (“I  _ want  _ people to know I’m checking them out! Hashtag no shame!” he had said earlier).

Minami was practically vibrating, seated in between but behind the two celebrities, pen at the ready for any judgements. 

Yuuri’s eyes are drawn to a frilly pink speedo with gold sparkles walking past and he keeps his face neutral. A shame, really, when people try to compensate for their above-average-but-not-something-to-write-home-about booties with those sorts of distractions. 

“Your verdict?” Phichit whispered to him.

“Yeah, I’d say a 7.5.”

“...dude.”

Yuuri looked over to Phichit, who had a slight scandalized face on.

“Those colors are what a  _ certain someone  _ was wearing earlier this summer.”

“Hah,” Yuuri scoffed, “there’s no way that butt belonged to Nikiforov, Phichit. He’s always a ten.”

“If you say so.” Phichit took another sip of his Sex on the Beach and smacked his lips loudly as Mr. Red  _ not wearing a swimsuit would cover more  _ walked by. 

“Okay, now  _ that, _ ” Phichit started, “definitely a 9.8. At least.”

Yuuri gave an approving nod of the head. It most definitely was one of the best butts here this year so far. Phichit giggled as Mr. Nine point Eight blew a kiss in his direction. He blew one right back.

Humming, Yuuri let his attention wander, the ones passing by now were definitely...subpar. His little frown spoke volumes.

✩✩✩

“Vitya, darling, please,” Chris purred at his bestfriend, “It’s just a little summer game. Besides, 7.5 is pretty admirable.”

That was easy for Chris to say, he got a 9.8 from the official Connoisseurs. He got a lowly 7.5?  _ Not  _ okay.

“Who does he think he is? Sitting there prettily on his stupid throne with those stupid pretty short shorts with his stupid pretty face?”

Chris pushed a strawberry daiquiri into his hand. He chugged the whole thing and shoved the empty glass back at Chris as he stormed off towards the two.

He’s going to get to the bottom of this.

✩✩✩

The day’s about half over when Mr. Frilly pink speedo with gold accents comes storming up to the both of them.

“I think you’re full of bullshit.” Mr. Pink Frilly said.

“Excuse me?” Yuuri questioned. This had certainly never happened before. Most everyone took their word as Law so far as butts were concerned.

“If you think mine isn’t that good, let’s see yours then,” he huffed as he crossed his arms.

✩✩✩

Minami stared with his mouth open at Victor— _ the  _ Victor—Nikiforov as he stepped right up to Yuuri and Phichit and demanded to see Yuuri’s butt. Now, it was a rule of thumb that Yuuri rated Phichit, and Phichit rated Yuuri. And for the sake of everything, those ratings were private and only  _ he  _ knew what they wrote for each other.

Minami gulped.

Because Yuuri’s rating? Yuuri would surely kill them all. As Phichit wrote down on the only copy in existence:

_ Soul Destroying/10. _

“A-are you sure that’s a good idea?” he managed to squeak out while Yuuri seemed stunned.

_ “Yes,  _ I do.”

Phichit stole a look in his direction then burst out laughing. Within seconds there were fat tears rolling down his face and he was clutching his sides, gasping loudly.

“Fine then.” Yuuri stated cooly and placed his drink down with gentle touch and made to get up.

_ Oh BOY.  _ Minami scrambled to get his Protective Glasses on and watched Phichit tug his off his head.

✩✩✩

Victor’s mouth ran dry. Tears gathered in the corners of his eyes at the sheer beauty of it.

That...that was  _ not  _ the booty he was expecting. He’s been blessed by angels; that’s the only explanation Victor could come up with to describe the supple bubble-butt. 

It was  _ abundantly  _ clear that Katsuki Yuuri really was, the  **Booty King** .


End file.
